I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
