I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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