Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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