Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
did you just send me my own nude
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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