you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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