I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
