we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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