I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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