i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
