there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
