He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
