my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
