I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
