I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
How does one acquire holy water?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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