these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
