Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
God I need to hump something, right now.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
