I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
