My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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