im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
