don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Holy sore nipples Batman
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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