I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We left the knife in your bed.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
