By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
