tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
