The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
