Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
