if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
