It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
