Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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