instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
