I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
