I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
