I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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