a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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