Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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