I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
