Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
no, he came in my armpit
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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