So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
