I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
