I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
