man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
