proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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