i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
