i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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