Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
