She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The air was thick with penises
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
