I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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