well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
