when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
