Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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