We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
